How to Skillfully Receive Feedback Using the SIFT OPEN Acronym
“S” is for Source. Consider the Source of the feedback we’re receiving. For example, is the person giving us this feedback somebody whose opinion matters to us, or is it somebody whom we don't have a lot of context about? An emotion regulation-based skill that I routinely utilize with my clients – and personally – is called “Checking the Facts”. Can we “Check The Facts” here, on who is giving us this feedback? Not all feedback from all people needs to be weighted equally. Maybe this person’s feedback doesn’t actually need to be given such weight.
“I” is for Impact. Consider the Impact of the feedback we’re receiving. For example, what can we determine about the scale of this feedback? Is this about shifting our whole relationship to our work, or is this about changing our email signature?
“F” is for Frequency. Consider the Frequency of the feedback we’re receiving. For example, how often are we hearing this feedback? Is this something we’re hearing for the first time or are we hearing this every week?
“T” is for Trends. Consider any Trends to the feedback we’re receiving. Trends are about noticing where the feedback is coming from, over a longer period of time. For example, is this something that is showing up just at work or is this showing up at home, in our communities, or in other areas outside of work, as well? Not always, but sometimes, feedback about ineffective behaviors at work can be generalized to feedback about similar, ineffective behaviors in non-work situations. So we ask, where else are we hearing this feedback?
“O” is for Observe. Observe how our experience receiving feedback – & our feelings or emotions around it – show up in our bodies, & consider why. For example, what thoughts, feelings or emotions, body sensations, & action urges do we notice & what are they trying to tell us? How have our families or communities shaped our beliefs about the connection between our thoughts, feelings or emotions, & our actions or behaviors? What are our go-to actions or behaviors? What brought this on & what is the context surrounding what we are feeling or thinking?
“P” is for Probe. Probe by asking follow-up questions that can later clarify a path forward for us, & use Active Listening skills by reflecting back what we’ve heard to ensure we’re correctly understanding the feedback we’re receiving. It’s quite helpful to check-in by repeating back & affirming what we've heard – as the feedback is coming – to ensure our questions are being answered effectively. Additionally, using Active Listening specifically, actually gives our brains & our bodies a break, to process; so that we are able to hear the truth that might be within the feedback, without-getting-defensive. This could sound something like, “Can I repeat back to you what I’ve heard to make sure I am understanding correctly?" or “This is my understanding of what you’ve communicated so far; is that accurate?”
“E” is for Express. Express how we are genuinely feeling in response to hearing this feedback & also, Express gratitude for the feedback we’re receiving. If we can assume positive intent whenever receiving feedback, it becomes so-much-easier to truly believe that the person giving us this feedback genuinely cares about us & about our growth. Will there be a time when there isn’t positive intent? Maybe, & we can weigh that possibility when we’re considering the “S” – or, our Source – in this acronym. If we allow ourselves to question their intent – during the actual feedback, though – it’s only going to hinder our ability to actually take in the feedback. Instead, two dialectic-based skills that I routinely utilize with my clients – and personally – are called “Finding the Kernels of Truth” & “Validating the Valid”. These skills allow us to acknowledge that while there may in fact be a lot to this feedback that feels unwarranted, or exaggerated, or not representative, they also encourage us to consider whether we may be missing something & whether there are any “Kernels of Truth to be Found” within this feedback that could be “Valid”? So, assuming positive intent, assuming we aim to find the “Kernels of Truth” & assuming we can “Validate that which is Valid”, how do we then, express both, how we are genuinely feeling, along with gratitude? This could sound something like, “I’m feeling disappointed & honestly, a bit surprised. That said, there were a couple of points you made that I did resonate with. I appreciate you letting me know the rest of these points & I can tell they are important to you. I also really appreciate you caring enough to give me this feedback and for taking this time with me.”
“N” is for Next Steps. Decide on our next steps, after receiving feedback. Even if we’ve skillfully used the first 7 of these recommendations it can often be helpful to take a bit of time & to have notes that we can review – after receiving feedback – in order to feel able to effectively process the feedback we’ve gotten, to “Check The Facts” on the feedback itself or on our interpretation of the feedback; and, before responding or determining next steps & figuring out a path forward. Personally, I have found it helpful to jot down some notes while receiving feedback, but not be writing the whole time. I’ve also found it helpful to ask for the other person’s notes. This could sound something like, "Thank you so much. I would love some time to think about this. Can we have a follow-up conversation, & can you send me your notes on this? I'd love to be able to review them, & to Circle Back to be able to talk through this again.”
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