Hi there, Lisa here. Before we start the show, I have a few disclaimers that I would like for you to keep in mind, as you listen to each Episode. First, this show will cover a variety of topics related to connection, mental health, work, & life; & some of these topics may be sensitive for you or someone you know. I want to offer you permission to choose courage over comfort when it comes to consuming sensitive content; & also, permission to respect your own limits when it comes to consuming this content which may be sensitive for you. I also need to indicate that while I am a licensed therapist, I am not your therapist. This show is not intended to be direct professional advice & you should not use this as a substitute for individualized, professional help. Lastly, while I can assure you that any of the coachable or teachable content I share will have demonstrated effectiveness – & are practices I use myself – I can also assure you that I am imperfect & there are times when I do not act as skillfully, as I would have liked. My goal is to act skillfully, most of the time; & I very much want that for you, too! Now, with that said, let’s start the show.
Hello & welcome to Wired to Connect, the startup mental health podcast that keeps you going every week, with our easily digestible lessons, skills, & stories, that you can put into practice immediately. I’m your host, your coach, your teacher, Lisa Birnbaum; I’m also a social worker, a therapist, & the Co-Founder of Strengths Squared: a therapy, coaching, & consulting practice, for startup founders & their teams, that I started with my wife & Co-Founder in 2021. The learnings we are sharing here, come from a combination of the lived experiences of the startup founders & startup team members we’ve worked with over the years, from our own lived experiences, & from research-backed strategies, too. And we are so excited to be able to share these insights here, with all of you now. In today’s episode, we’ll be discussing How to skillfully receive feedback.
In our last episode, Episode 3, we talked through learning how to give feedback, effectively. In today’s Episode, the last in our ‘Feedback Series’ – at least for now – we’re going to talk through how to skillfully receive feedback. Keep in mind while listening, that – unlike in Episode 3, where we focused primarily on Startup Founders & those in specified Leadership roles – today we’re primarily focusing on those who may be future Startup Founders, Individual Contributors or Direct Reports, & Startup Team Members. This is not to say that Startup Founders & those in specified Leadership roles won’t find anything in today’s episode applicable, right now; & not at all to say that Startup Founders & those in specified Leadership roles do not need Feedback. Startup Founders & those in specific Leadership roles absolutely need Feedback! This includes Feedback from our Team, from our customers/members/clients/patients, from our company partners, strategic alliances, Board Members, Investors, etc. And, I intend to discuss exactly this, on a future Episode of Wired to Connect. For right now though, if you are a Startup Founder or are in a specified Leadership role, by all means, listen-in; & you’ll be ahead of the game when it comes to skillfully receiving feedback. So, is receiving feedback even something we can become more skilled in, though? Absolutely! Essentially, these too, are communication skills rooted in mindfulness, emotion regulation, & dialectics, and – like any set of skills – these can be learned, practiced, & improved upon!
So much of this is interconnected. I’m going to break all of this down for you in today’s episode. So, let’s get into it; let’s make some meaningful connections!
Support for today’s show comes from our very own, Strengths Squared. What if you really knew the type of startup founder you are, or the type of future-startup founder you are likely to become? Would it change your trajectory? Would you do anything differently? Well now you can better answer these questions for yourself, by taking the quiz we created, specifically for startup founders and future-startup founders. In 10, pinpoint questions, you’ll identify your leadership strengths, as well as your opportunities for growth. At the end, you’ll see which type of startup founder you are – or which type of future-startup founder you are likely to become – so that you can move forward with the clarity, courage, and confidence to ensure that your type is working for you, rather than against you. Just head to: strengthssquared.com/quiz to take the first step toward being the best startup founder you can be. That’s s-t-r-e-n-g-t-h-s-s-q-u-a-r-e-d-dot-com-forward-slash-quiz, and we can’t wait to hear which type of startup founder you are!
Okay, so how then, can we ensure that we get good at receiving feedback? The ‘TLDR’ – or, the short answer – is by focusing on getting the most out of the feedback we’re receiving so that it feels less scary going in, & by practicing! Feedback Coach-Professor-Author, Shanita Williams; & Writer-Editor, Stacy-Marie Ishmael, highlight certain factors that are super-helpful to consider when deciding how we’d like to incorporate – or disregard – the feedback we’re receiving; as well as, effective practices for both, staying present & focused in-the-moment & also, for reducing the likelihood of feeling defensive or completely shutting down while receiving feedback. I’m going to use the acronym SIFT OPEN, to talk through these 8 recommendations for getting the most out of the feedback we’re receiving, so that we can start practicing:
“S” is for Source. Consider the Source of the feedback we’re receiving. For example, is the person giving us this feedback somebody whose opinion matters to us, or is it somebody whom we don't have a lot of context about? An emotion regulation-based skill that I routinely utilize with my clients – and personally – is called “Checking the Facts”. Can we “Check The Facts” here, on who is giving us this feedback? Not all feedback from all people needs to be weighted equally. Maybe this person’s feedback doesn’t actually need to be given such weight.
“I” is for Impact. Consider the Impact of the feedback we’re receiving. For example, what can we determine about the scale of this feedback? Is this about shifting our whole relationship to our work, or is this about changing our email signature?
“F” is for Frequency. Consider the Frequency of the feedback we’re receiving. For example, how often are we hearing this feedback? Is this something we’re hearing for the first time or are we hearing this every week?
“T” is for Trends. Consider any Trends to the feedback we’re receiving. Trends are about noticing where the feedback is coming from, over a longer period of time. For example, is this something that is showing up just at work or is this showing up at home, in our communities, or in other areas outside of work, as well? Not always, but sometimes, feedback about ineffective behaviors at work can be generalized to feedback about similar, ineffective behaviors in non-work situations. So we ask, where else are we hearing this feedback?
“O” is for Observe. Observe how our experience receiving feedback – & our feelings or emotions around it – show up in our bodies, & consider why. For example, what thoughts, feelings or emotions, body sensations, & action urges do we notice & what are they trying to tell us? How have our families or communities shaped our beliefs about the connection between our thoughts, feelings or emotions, & our actions or behaviors? What are our go-to actions or behaviors? What brought this on & what is the context surrounding what we are feeling or thinking?
“P” is for Probe. Probe by asking follow-up questions that can later clarify a path forward for us, & use Active Listening skills by reflecting back what we’ve heard to ensure we’re correctly understanding the feedback we’re receiving. It’s quite helpful to check-in by repeating back & affirming what we've heard – as the feedback is coming – to ensure our questions are being answered effectively. Additionally, using Active Listening specifically, actually gives our brains & our bodies a break, to process; so that we are able to hear the truth that might be within the feedback, without-getting-defensive. This could sound something like, “Can I repeat back to you what I’ve heard to make sure I am understanding correctly?" or “This is my understanding of what you’ve communicated so far; is that accurate?”
“E” is for Express. Express how we are genuinely feeling in response to hearing this feedback & also, Express gratitude for the feedback we’re receiving. If we can assume positive intent whenever receiving feedback, it becomes so-much-easier to truly believe that the person giving us this feedback genuinely cares about us & about our growth. Will there be a time when there isn’t positive intent? Maybe, & we can weigh that possibility when we’re considering the “S” – or, our Source – in this acronym. If we allow ourselves to question their intent – during the actual feedback, though – it’s only going to hinder our ability to actually take in the feedback. Instead, two dialectic-based skills that I routinely utilize with my clients – and personally – are called “Finding the Kernels of Truth” & “Validating the Valid”. These skills allow us to acknowledge that while there may in fact be a lot to this feedback that feels unwarranted, or exaggerated, or not representative, they also encourage us to consider whether we may be missing something & whether there are any “Kernels of Truth to be Found” within this feedback that could be “Valid”? So, assuming positive intent, assuming we aim to find the “Kernels of Truth” & assuming we can “Validate that which is Valid”, how do we then, express both, how we are genuinely feeling, along with gratitude? This could sound something like, “I’m feeling disappointed & honestly, a bit surprised. That said, there were a couple of points you made that I did resonate with. I appreciate you letting me know the rest of these points & I can tell they are important to you. I also really appreciate you caring enough to give me this feedback and for taking this time with me.”
“N” is for Next Steps. Decide on our next steps, after receiving feedback. Even if we’ve skillfully used the first 7 of these recommendations it can often be helpful to take a bit of time & to have notes that we can review – after receiving feedback – in order to feel able to effectively process the feedback we’ve gotten, to “Check The Facts” on the feedback itself or on our interpretation of the feedback; and, before responding or determining next steps & figuring out a path forward. Personally, I have found it helpful to jot down some notes while receiving feedback, but not be writing the whole time. I’ve also found it helpful to ask for the other person’s notes. This could sound something like, "Thank you so much. I would love some time to think about this. Can we have a follow-up conversation, & can you send me your notes on this? I'd love to be able to review them, & to Circle Back to be able to talk through this again.”
While receiving feedback from our boss may never be our favorite moments of the day & may continue to feel uncomfortable, perhaps, the next time we are receiving feedback, we remember that we can SIFT & stay OPEN, to stave off any panic. As I hope you’ve come to appreciate, with each of these 8 recommendations, so much of this is interconnected. I’ll be back to recap all of these connections, right after this …
Support for today’s show comes from our very own Strengths Squared, a therapy, coaching, and consulting practice, partnering with startup founders & startup teams. At Strengths Squared, our goal is not to have to treat burnout after the fact; and instead, to prevent burnout from happening in the first place. We do this by equipping startup founders and their teams with the necessary skills to build sustainable, mentally healthy work cultures of collective care, collective accountability, & intentional work-life integration. If you are a startup founder, a startup team member, or are someone who might be a future-startup founder, and are navigating a challenging topic that you would like addressed on our show, or you have a question you would like answered on our show, please send an email to: podcast@strengthssquared.com for a chance to have your topic addressed or to have your question answered, on a future episode. Again, that’s p-o-d-c-a-s-t-@-s-t-r-e-n-g-t-h-s-s-q-u-a-r-e-d-dot-com, and we’ll keep our eyes out for your topics & your questions.
Let’s go ahead and pull all these connections together. To recap, my 8 recommendations – using the acronym SIFT OPEN – for getting the most out of the feedback we’re receiving, so that we can start practicing are:
S: Consider the Source of the feedback we’re receiving.
I: Consider the Impact of the feedback we’re receiving.
F: Consider the Frequency of the feedback we’re receiving.
T: Consider any Trends to the feedback we’re receiving.
O: Observe how our experience receiving feedback – & our feelings or emotions around it – show up in our bodies, & consider why.
P: Probe by asking follow-up questions that can later clarify a path forward for us, & use Active Listening skills by reflecting back what we’ve heard to ensure we’re correctly understanding the feedback we’re receiving.
E: Express how we are genuinely feeling in response to hearing this feedback & also, Express gratitude for the feedback we’re receiving. And,
N: Decide on our next steps, after receiving feedback.
Thank you so much for listening to Wired to Connect & I hope this was helpful. If you would like a chance to win our Free Startup Coaching Session, which retails for $500, keep your ears out in the very next section for-the-instructions.
That wraps up today’s episode. I hope you loved it! Don’t forget to hit “Subscribe” or “Follow” on your favorite podcast app, so you don’t miss an episode. And, we are currently giving away our Free Startup Coaching Session! If you want to win a free coaching session, just leave us a rating & write a review on Apple Podcasts or the podcast app of your choice; and you’ll be entered in our weekly, random, draw. This type of startup coaching session retails for $500, & can be yours for free; by rating and writing a review of our podcast. Then, listen in next week to see if you won. It’s that simple! Thanks so much in advance, for supporting us on Apple Podcasts or on the podcast app of your choice!
Before I go, I want to leave you with this: we humans have what’s called a “Negativity Bias”, which conditions our brains to hyper-focus on the negatives, while discounting the positives. When we receive feedback that is either negative — or perceived negatively — this can trigger feelings of shame. This is especially true for those of us who have experienced any kind of microaggressions at work, or out in the world; & for those of us who have experienced work-related traumas or have other trauma histories. This often activates, limiting core beliefs from our learning history – our backstory – as well as urges to hide, ignore, or avoid getting future feedback. While I certainly hope that the person you’re receiving feedback from has learned how to give feedback effectively – & you can absolutely share Episode 3 with them – I do want to acknowledge that it’s hard enough to receive feedback well, when it’s delivered effectively & that it’s extra-hard when it’s not delivered effectively. While receiving feedback, if you find yourself feeling flooded or completely shut down, & are unable to bring yourself out of it, you do-not-need-to-stay in the feedback & I would much rather you take care of yourself. You don’t need to go into specific details, but be honest about feeling flooded or shut down & ask to come back to the conversation a bit later. Similarly, negative or negatively perceived feedback can also trigger feelings of guilt or anger – & can feel quite personal – which often activate urges to defend, or lash out. Mindfulness skills are so key here. If we can create some distance between us & our emotions we can observe our urges to respond defensively, or ineffectively – or what I call being in “Emotion Mind” – in order to pause – & to ensure that we choose to act skillfully, instead. I mentioned earlier that we can learn how to skillfully receive feedback by focusing on getting the most out of the feedback we’re receiving so that it feels less scary going in; & also, by practicing! When we practice receiving feedback through “Exposure” – which is just therapist-speak for gradually approaching hard things, rather than avoiding them – we can learn to sit in the discomfort or with the uncomfortable emotions, we can learn to tolerate them, & we can learn to move through them. This builds mastery – which, as I mentioned in Episode 1, is an emotion regulation-based skill that helps build confidence – & allows us to become someone who can skillfully receive feedback. One of the many reasons that receiving feedback is tricky is because, unlike when we’re giving feedback & we schedule it & we know what we’re going to say, when we’re receiving feedback, we can sometimes be taken off-guard. If you’d like to genuinely become more skilled at receiving feedback – & would like to start practicing in a way that feels a bit more controlled or gradual – you can start by asking members of your Team, “What 3 words would you use to describe me?” While this may not get at the really hard feedback, I have found it to be a fairly quick way of asking for 360 feedback that at the very least, helps us know whether the insight we have about ourselves matches how we’re coming across to others & the impact we’re having on them. This is certainly a good place to start! And be sure to tune-in to our next Episode, Episode 5, where we will not be talking directly, about Feedback!
Thank you to my incredibly talented cousin, Andrew Fisher, for writing & playing the original music for this show. And, from the bottom of my heart, thank you to my amazing wife, partner, & Co-Founder, Marisa, for your belief in me, & in this show; for everything you do for our family & for Strengths Squared, for everything you are doing behind the scenes for Wired to Connect, & without whom, none of this would be possible! Lastly, & perhaps most importantly, thank you so much, to all of you who are listening, for supporting us by choosing to spend your time with us, for connecting with us, & for keeping an open mind & an open heart. I’ll look forward to connecting with you in next week’s episode. And until then, take good care, & remember, we are all Wired to Connect!
