Hi there, Lisa here. Before we start the show, I have a few disclaimers that I would like for you to keep in mind, as you listen to each Episode. First, this show will cover a variety of topics related to connection, mental health, work, & life; & some of these topics may be sensitive for you or someone you know. I want to offer you permission to choose courage over comfort when it comes to consuming sensitive content; & also, permission to respect your own limits when it comes to consuming this content which may be sensitive for you. I also need to indicate that while I am a licensed therapist, I am not your therapist. This show is not intended to be direct professional advice & you should not use this as a substitute for individualized, professional help. Lastly, while I can assure you that any of the coachable or teachable content I share will have demonstrated effectiveness – & are practices I use myself – I can also assure you that I am imperfect & there are times when I do not act as skillfully, as I would have liked. My goal is to act skillfully, most of the time; & I very much want that for you, too! Now, with that said, let’s start the show.

Hello & welcome to Wired to Connect, the startup mental health podcast that keeps you going every week, with our easily digestible lessons, skills, & stories, that you can put into practice immediately. I’m your host, your coach, your teacher, Lisa Birnbaum; I’m also a social worker, a therapist, & the Co-Founder of Strengths Squared: a therapy, coaching, & consulting practice, for startup founders & their teams, that I started with my wife & Co-Founder in 2021. The learnings we are sharing here, come from a combination of the lived experiences of the startup founders & startup team members we’ve worked with over the years, from our own lived experiences, & from research-backed strategies, too. And we are so excited to be able to share these insights here, with all of you now. In today’s episode, we’ll be discussing Moving through a shame spiral & modeling vulnerability. Today’s episode is going to be a bit different from what we initially planned. This week’s episode was supposed to be about the topic of belonging. And it was supposed to be released the past two Tuesdays. The truth though, is that the past two Tuesdays came & went, & – despite sacrificing other things in an attempt to get the episode out – I still hadn’t finished solidifying what I wanted to say. And the time between then & now was – well . . . – one of those ‘not acting as skillfully as I would have liked’ times which I refer to in the disclaimers that we share at the start of every episode of Wired to Connect. So, Marisa & I decided together that – before we discuss belonging – we would first use this as an opportunity to introduce the topics of shame & vulnerability, by directly talking through my example with our podcast from these past two weeks.

I’m going to start though, by defining a few terms – to ensure we have a common understanding of the language I’ll be using here – & then, I will talk through how I’m approaching this example, specifically.

Guilt. Guilt is the feeling of self-conscious discomfort in response to our own actions, thoughts, or circumstances. Guilt ‘fits the facts’ of a situation – so to speak – when we do something that feels wrong to us or violates our own personal values or long-term goals. Guilt helps us identify when we’ve acted out of alignment with those values & is adaptive in the sense that it has the potential to motivate us toward desired behavioral change.

Shame. Shame is the pervasive & intensely painful feeling of not being good enough or not being ‘whatever’ enough, or the experience of believing that we are flawed & are therefore unworthy of love, belonging, & connection. Shame only needs three things to survive: secrecy, silence, & judgment; & cannot survive alongside empathy. Shame ‘fits the facts’ of a situation – so to speak – when we are rejected by a person or group we care about over an issue that publicly involves our behavior or characteristics. Unlike guilt, shame is not overly adaptive & rarely – if ever – leads us toward desired behavioral change.

Shame Resilience. Shame Resilience is the ability to practice authenticity – & sometimes, vulnerability – when we experience shame, to move through the experience without sacrificing our values, & to come out on the other side of the shame experience with more courage, compassion, & connection than we had going into it. Ultimately, empathy is the antidote to shame & shame resilience is about moving from shame to empathy.

Courage. Courage is the willingness to show up & be seen when we can’t control the outcome. There is no courage without vulnerability. We can strengthen our courage muscles by examining our collective need to be perfect & please others at the expense of our own lives.

Vulnerability. Vulnerability is the emotion we experience during times of uncertainty, risk, & emotional exposure. Vulnerability is not only, not weakness; but rather, it is thought to be the most predictive measure of courage. We can strengthen our vulnerability muscles by building that strength that allows us to soften & stay open rather than attack & defend.

Armor. Armor is what gets in the way of daring, brave leadership. Armor shows up as ineffective ways of self-protecting against that uncertainty, risk, & emotional exposure. Examples of armor include: perfectionism, emotional intensity, cynicism, people pleasing, prioritizing ‘being right’ over ‘getting it right’, resentment, etc.

Rumbling with Vulnerability. Rumbling with Vulnerability requires examining the myths about vulnerability we were raised to believe (such as, “vulnerability is weakness” or “vulnerability is oversharing without any boundaries”, etc.) & then identifying the armor each of us uses in effort to self-protect, in order to begin allowing ourselves the courage to take off this armor.

Modeling Vulnerability. Modeling Vulnerability requires having the courage to lean into the practice of vulnerability (by showing up, fully engaging, & allowing ourselves to be seen when we can’t control the outcome); & then, having the courage to model these behaviors for others.

Okay, now that we have a common understanding of these terms, let’s return to my podcast example from the past two weeks. First, I noticed that I was feeling some disappointment & frustration as a result of not getting the episode finished, both of which felt manageable. What felt far less manageable for me, was the additional feelings of guilt & shame I was experiencing on top of the disappointment & frustration. So . . . did my feelings of guilt & shame ‘fit the facts’ of this example, and how did I determine how to move through these emotions effectively? I’m going to talk through exactly how I approach similar situations with founder & future founder clients in therapy & coaching sessions, using myself & this podcast example, to demonstrate.

So much of this is interconnected. I’m going to break all of this down for you in today’s episode. So, let’s get into it; let’s make some meaningful connections!

Support for today’s show comes from our very own, Strengths Squared. What if you really knew the type of startup founder you are, or the type of future-startup founder you are likely to become? Would it change your trajectory? Would you do anything differently? Well now you can better answer these questions for yourself, by taking the quiz we created, specifically for startup founders and future-startup founders. In 10, pinpoint questions, you’ll identify your leadership strengths, as well as your opportunities for growth. At the end, you’ll see which type of startup founder you are – or which type of future-startup founder you are likely to become – so that you can move forward with the clarity, courage, and confidence to ensure that your type is working for you, rather than against you. Just head to: strengthssquared.com/quiz to take the first step toward being the best startup founder you can be. That’s s-t-r-e-n-g-t-h-s-s-q-u-a-r-e-d-dot-com-forward-slash-quiz, and we can’t wait to hear which type of startup founder you are!

Okay, so, I mentioned feeling some disappointment & frustration as a result of not getting the episode finished, both of which felt manageable; & that the additional feelings of guilt & shame I was experiencing on top of the disappointment & frustration felt far less manageable for me. The feeling of guilt was because, when we recently launched Wired to Connect, I committed to releasing episodes weekly. Not releasing an episode the past two Tuesdays, meant not following through on this commitment; & since not following through on this commitment was not really in alignment with my values, it didn’t feel very good. And the feeling of shame was because the things I sacrificed in an attempt to get the episode out were my sleep & my morning routine, which have become non-negotiables for me. These two things which – as I mentioned in episode 1 – help set me up for success, are also ways for me to consistently take care of myself & to show myself love & kindness. As you might imagine, not releasing the episode the past two weeks, while also not acting in ways that I know to be skillful did not feel good, either. Prompting Events (such as, not releasing the episode) typically elicit thoughts (such as, thinking, “this feels really bad” or “I should know better”) which bring about emotions (such as, feelings of guilt & shame experienced in our bodies); or emotions (such as, feelings of guilt & shame experienced in our bodies) which bring about thoughts (such as, thinking, “this feels really bad” or “I should know better”); or both. And our emotions (such as, feelings of guilt & shame experienced in our bodies) each have corresponding action urges (such as guilt encouraging us to make a repair or shame encouraging us to hide). This is where it becomes important to be able to determine whether our emotion ‘fits the facts’ of the situation in order to determine how to move through the emotions effectively. When our emotion ‘fits the facts’ of the situation, we want to first, validate the emotion; and then try to use our Problem Solving skills, in line with what the emotion’s corresponding action urge is encouraging us to do. When our emotion does not ‘fit the facts’ of the situation though – or if we feel that the intensity of our emotion is too high or is lasting too long – we still want to first, validate the emotion; & then instead of trying to problem solve, we want to use our Opposite Action skills, literally, by acting opposite to what the emotion is encouraging us to do. Since I mentioned the feeling of guilt I was experiencing was a result of not releasing a podcast episode the past two Tuesdays, which meant not following through on my commitment to release weekly episodes of Wired to Connect & that not following through on this commitment was out of alignment with my values; & since we now know that guilt ‘fits the facts’ of a situation – so to speak – when we do something that feels wrong to us or that violates our own personal values or long-term goals, I would say that, yes, my feeling of guilt did ‘fit the facts’ of the situation in my podcast example. And so, as we also now know, when the feeling of guilt does ‘fit the facts’ of the situation, we want to first, validate the guilt; and then try to use our Problem Solving skills, in line with what guilt’s corresponding action urge is encouraging us to do. This includes owning our mistakes, apologizing, & repairing. Doing this allows us to hold ourselves accountable & helps build trust with others. Applying this to my podcast example looks something like this: Given the fact that not following through on my commitment the past two weeks was out of alignment with my values, it makes total sense that I was experiencing some guilt. This feeling of guilt – while not necessarily super-enjoyable – served an important function for me. It reminded me that it doesn’t feel good when I step outside of my values & helped propel me forward enough to be able to fully own my mistake from the past two weeks, to feel able to acknowledge to all of you that I am truly sorry that the episode was not ready to be released the past two weeks & to be able to problem solve. As a result of the problem solving, I decided that moving forward, if I am unable to release a full Wired to Connect episode on a Tuesday, I will instead release a mini-episode letting you all know. As I hope you can now appreciate, the guilt I was experiencing helped me identify that I acted out of alignment with my values & was adaptive in the sense that it helped motivate me toward my desired behavioral change. And I feel pretty good about starting to let go of this feeling of guilt now. Okay, onto the more complicated of the two, shame. Since I mentioned the feeling of shame I was experiencing was a result of not releasing the podcast episode the past two Tuesdays, particularly after the extra effort I made by sacrificing two things that are important to me; & since we now know that shame ‘fits the facts’ of a situation – so to speak – when we are rejected by a person or group we care about over an issue that publicly involves our behavior or characteristics, I would say that no, my feeling of shame does not really ‘fit the facts’ in this example. Also, since I know that unlike guilt, shame is not overly adaptive & rarely – if ever – leads us toward desired behavioral change, I am able to trust that I don’t actually need to be experiencing this sense of shame & that delving deeper into this ‘shame spiral’ is just not going to do me any good. And so, when the feeling of shame either does not ‘fit the facts’ of the situation, or if the intensity of the shame feels too high or is lasting too long, we still want to first, validate our experience of this shame; & then instead of trying to problem solve, we want to use our Opposite Action skills, literally, by acting opposite to what shame’s corresponding action urge is encouraging us to do. And since we also now know that shame tells us to hide & negatively judge our flaws – or our less-than-perfect-selves – acting opposite to this means instead, acknowledging, approaching, naming, & owning our flaws, & engaging with our less-than-perfect-selves from a place of empathy & kindness. Doing this helps build up our Shame Resilience – our ability to practice authenticity & sometimes, vulnerability, in the face of shame – allowing us to move through the experience without sacrificing our values, & to come out on the other side of the shame experience with more courage, compassion, & connection than we had going into it. Applying this to my podcast example looks something like this: While the fact that I was unable to release an episode the past two weeks after sacrificing two things that are important to me, which then resulted in me not acting in ways that I know to be skillful, is certainly disappointing – maybe even a bit frustrating – it doesn’t really warrant feeling shame because of it. I mean, I get it Lisa, really, I do. If shame can be easily understood as the fear of disconnection & knowing that launching Wired to Connect & consistently releasing episodes that are valuable is something that’s really important to me, I can understand how a fear of disconnection could be wrapped up in this. What would I tell someone I care about, if they were experiencing this, though? Would I tell them that if other people knew that they were unable to release their podcast episode after sacrificing things that are important to them, which then resulted in them not acting as skillfully as they would have liked, that they would no longer be worthy of connection? Of course not! Once I am able to show myself the same empathy & kindness I would show someone I care about, I am then able to acknowledge that no matter who knows this about my podcast episode, I am still a human being who is completely-worthy-of-connection; that I don’t actually need to be experiencing this sense of shame; & that delving deeper into this ‘shame spiral’ is just not going to do me any good. So now, realizing this, instead of listening to what my shame was encouraging me to do, I chose to act opposite to that. Meaning, instead of hiding the fact that I didn’t get the episode finished & released, & outwardly pretending I wasn’t feeling badly about it, while inwardly negatively judging myself for it, I first, acknowledged what was going on – to myself – allowing myself to approach & name this feeling of shame so that I could understand it, & I then, fully owned my feeling of shame while talking to all of you just now – modeling vulnerability – while engaging with both, my actions & my shame, from a place of empathy & kindness. As a result of this choosing to act opposite, I was then able to practice authenticity in the face of this shame – & model vulnerability for all of you – which as I mentioned earlier, helps build up our Shame Resilience, allowing us to move through the experience without sacrificing our values; & actually, allows us to come out on the other side of the shame experience with more courage, compassion, & connection than we had going into it. As I hope you can now appreciate, while my fear of disconnection was somewhat understandable, the shame I was experiencing was not really warranted, & was not going to be helpful for me to continue to hold onto. Using my Opposite Action skills – which included modeling vulnerability for all of you – by talking about all of this here has helped bring down the intensity of the shame quite a bit. And I now feel pretty good about starting to let go of this feeling of shame, too.

I also hope you’ve come to appreciate that as with each of the terms I defined toward the beginning of today’s episode, so much of this is interconnected. I’ll be back to recap all of these connections, right after this …

Support for today’s show comes from our very own Strengths Squared, a therapy, coaching, and consulting practice, partnering with startup founders & startup teams. At Strengths Squared, our goal is not to have to treat burnout after the fact; and instead, to prevent burnout from happening in the first place. We do this by equipping startup founders and their teams with the necessary skills to build sustainable, mentally healthy work cultures of collective care, collective accountability, & intentional work-life integration. If you are a startup founder, a startup team member, or are someone who might be a future-startup founder, and are navigating a challenging topic that you would like addressed on our show, or you have a question you would like answered on our show, please send an email to: podcast@strengthssquared.com for a chance to have your topic addressed or to have your question answered, on a future episode. Again, that’s p-o-d-c-a-s-t-@-s-t-r-e-n-g-t-h-s-s-q-u-a-r-e-d-dot-com, and we’ll keep our eyes out for your topics & your questions.

Let’s go ahead and pull all these connections together. To recap, today’s episode was a little bit different from the previous four. I taught about shame & vulnerability, using a very real, very personal example to demonstrate. Before I pull all of these connections together, I want to first, acknowledge that the concepts I talked about today & my work on this over the years, have very much been informed by both Dr. Marsha Linehan’s work & Dr. Brené Brown’s work. Marsha Linehan is the developer of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (or DBT for short) & among a long list of achievements, was featured in 2018 – alongside Albert Einstein, Isaac Newton, Louis Pasteur, Marie Curie, & Stephen Hawking – in a special issue of Time Magazine titled, “Great Scientists: The Geniuses & Visionaries Who Transformed Our World”. And fellow social worker, the incredible Brené Brown – who has pretty much become a household name over the past couple of years – is accurately credited with bringing concepts like shame, vulnerability, empathy, & courage into mainstream dialogue – both at work & outside of work – has given us the gift of shared language, accessibility & relatability; & also, among a long & substantial list of achievements, has two wildly popular TED Talks, one of which is among the top five most-viewed in the world. Now, to pull all of these connections together, Shame is a universal emotion. We all have it. The only people who don't experience shame are those who are unable to experience human empathy or connection. Most of us do not want to talk about shame; & yet, the less we talk about it, the more we experience it. In order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to really be seen. If we're going to find our way back to each other, vulnerability is going to be that path. Over the years, I’ve come to appreciate that people don’t actually want us to be perfect. That’s not what people want to see. People want us to be real, to be human, to make mistakes & own up to them, & to show vulnerability. We hide our vulnerability because it’s quite a journey to find the ‘grown-ups in the room’ who can hold the space to sit in discomfort with us, & because we are taught to believe that vulnerability is weakness. This is a profoundly dangerous myth; because in reality, vulnerability is our most accurate measurement of courage.

Thank you so much for listening to Wired to Connect & I hope this was helpful. If you would like a chance to win our Free Startup Coaching Session, which retails for $500, keep your ears out in the very next section for-the-instructions.

That wraps up today’s episode. I hope you loved it! Don’t forget to hit “Subscribe” or “Follow” on your favorite podcast app, so you don’t miss an episode. And, we are currently giving away our Free Startup Coaching Session! If you want to win a free coaching session, just leave us a rating & write a review on Apple Podcasts or the podcast app of your choice; and you’ll be entered in our weekly, random, draw. This type of startup coaching session retails for $500, & can be yours for free; by rating and writing a review of our podcast. Then, listen in next week to see if you won. It’s that simple! Thanks so much in advance, for supporting us on Apple Podcasts or on the podcast app of your choice!

Before I go, I want to leave you with this: If vulnerability is indeed uncertainty, risk, & emotional exposure, then to be human is to be vulnerable. To be in relationships is to be vulnerable. To ask for help is to be vulnerable. To care about your startup’s success is to be vulnerable. We're up against uncertainty, risk, & emotional exposure all day, every day. Embedded in real vulnerability is an honest, raw bid for connection. So let me also go on the record & reiterate that vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity, & change. To create is to make something that has never existed before. There's nothing more vulnerable than that. Adaptability to change is all about vulnerability. And in our current culture of scarcity & of ‘not good enough’, my hope in sharing my example today & in modeling vulnerability for all of you here, is that it allows each of you to either start exercising your vulnerability muscles or to continue exercising them; & to be able to lean into not knowing everything, not having all the answers, asking for help, sometimes feeling lost, being imperfect, feeling vulnerable, & still knowing that you-are-enough. I’ll go first: I am leaning into not knowing everything, not having all the answers & asking for help. Sometimes I feel lost & I am certainly imperfect. I’m feeling incredibly vulnerable – right now at this moment – and I still know deeply that I-am-enough. Now, it’s your turn. I’m going to leave it here for today. Be sure to tune-in to our next Episode, Episode 6, where we will be talking all about the topic of belonging!

Thank you to my incredibly talented cousin, Andrew Fisher, for writing & playing the original music for this show. And, from the bottom of my heart, thank you to my amazing wife, partner, & Co-Founder, Marisa, for your belief in me, & in this show; for everything you do for our family & for Strengths Squared, for everything you are doing behind the scenes for Wired to Connect, & without whom, none of this would be possible! Lastly, & perhaps most importantly, thank you so much, to all of you who are listening, for supporting us by choosing to spend your time with us, for connecting with us, & for keeping an open mind & an open heart. I’ll look forward to connecting with you in next week’s episode. And until then, take good care, & remember, we are all Wired to Connect!