Hi there, Lisa here. Before we start the show, I have a few disclaimers that I would like for you to keep in mind, as you listen to each Episode. First, this show will cover a variety of topics related to connection, mental health, work, & life; & some of these topics may be sensitive for you or someone you know. I want to offer you permission to choose courage over comfort when it comes to consuming sensitive content; & also, permission to respect your own limits when it comes to consuming this content which may be sensitive for you. I also need to indicate that while I am a licensed therapist, I am not your therapist. This show is not intended to be direct professional advice & you should not use this as a substitute for individualized, professional help. Lastly, while I can assure you that any of the coachable or teachable content I share will have demonstrated effectiveness – & are practices I use myself – I can also assure you that I am imperfect & there are times when I do not act as skillfully, as I would have liked. My goal is to act skillfully, most of the time; & I very much want that for you, too! Now, with that said, let’s start the show.

Hello & welcome to Wired to Connect, the startup mental health podcast that keeps you going every week, with our easily digestible lessons, skills, & stories, that you can put into practice immediately. I’m your host, your coach, your teacher, Lisa Birnbaum; I’m also a social worker, a therapist, & the Co-Founder of Strengths Squared: a therapy, coaching, & consulting practice, for startup founders & their teams, that I started with my wife & Co-Founder in 2021. The learnings we are sharing here, come from a combination of the lived experiences of the startup founders & startup team members we’ve worked with over the years, from our own lived experiences, & from research-backed strategies, too. And we are so excited to be able to share these insights here, with all of you now. In today’s episode, we’ll be discussing. . .

What needs to be in place prior to giving someone feedback. There are a number of reasons really, why we delay giving important feedback; & nothing good, tends to result from this. What usually winds up happening in this type of situation, is that, there comes a point, where the important feedback we were sitting on then becomes urgent & necessary to provide, seemingly immediately; while also feeling rushed or abrupt & delivered ineffectively. The person on the receiving end of this feedback is then, oftentimes, surprised; essentially, because we sat too long on the feedback & allowed the problem to build, rather than facilitate its resolve. This should never happen. Feedback should never feel like a surprise to someone. I am very much of the belief that being clear with someone regarding expectations, behaviors, culture, climate, or deliverables, is an act of kindness. It isn't kind to not offer feedback, to not invest in that person’s growth, to not believe it's worthwhile to take that time to deliver feedback & to show the person you believe in them. It isn't kind to delay feedback, in an attempt to not be viewed as too demanding or too controlling or micromanaging. Yes, absolutely, we should find other ways to work on how we’re coming across. We shouldn’t do this though, by avoiding hard conversations in an attempt to lessen our own discomfort. It also isn't kind to delay giving someone feedback hoping they’ll figure it out on their own, while then providing additional opportunities for them to continue to ‘mess up’. None of this is kind. Being clear is actually what is kind. And I am very much of the belief that it is vital to be consistently delivering feedback in an effective way. In fact, our next Episode, Episode 3, will be all about how to deliver feedback, effectively. All that said, there is one particular reason to delay giving feedback. There's one rationale – I believe – where it's actually more effective to wait a bit, before providing someone with feedback. This reason is, if you are unprepared, to give this person feedback.

So much of this is interconnected. I’m going to break all of this down for you in today’s episode. So, let’s get into it; let’s make some meaningful connections!

Support for today’s show comes from our very own, Strengths Squared. What if you really knew the type of startup founder you are, or the type of future-startup founder you are likely to become? Would it change your trajectory? Would you do anything differently? Well now you can better answer these questions for yourself, by taking the quiz we created, specifically for startup founders and future-startup founders. In 10, pinpoint questions, you’ll identify your leadership strengths, as well as your opportunities for growth. At the end, you’ll see which type of startup founder you are – or which type of future-startup founder you are likely to become – so that you can move forward with the clarity, courage, and confidence to ensure that your type is working for you, rather than against you. Just head to: strengthssquared.com/quiz to take the first step toward being the best startup founder you can be. That’s s-t-r-e-n-g-t-h-s-s-q-u-a-r-e-d-dot-com-forward-slash-quiz, and we can’t wait to hear which type of startup founder you are!

Okay, so how then, do we know if we are unprepared to give someone feedback & how can we assess whether we are ready? Essentially, how can we ensure we are in the right headspace to sit down & give someone feedback? I’m going to share with you some guidelines for readiness, that I’d like for you to keep in mind, as you begin working on this:

First guideline is, knowing we’ll sit next to the person to whom we are giving feedback, rather than across from them. It’s helpful to do whatever we can to set this conversation up for success, rather than give-off an adversarial impression from the get-go. If this person thinks the conversation is going to be adversarial from the get-go, they are inevitably – though understandably – going to be defensive. We need to be able to minimize the power differential here. Yes, we might be the founder & we might be this person's boss or this person's manager. Sure, this person might be a direct report of ours & we might be in a specified, leadership position. That shouldn't be the driving reason for having this conversation, though. As in, we shouldn't be giving this person feedback solely because we are leveraging our power over them or because it’s ‘our job’ to tell them what to do. That’s really not an effective mindset, & that's not what this is about. I don’t want any of us to be leveraging ‘power over’ anyone, really, because it’s inherently dehumanizing & oppressive. Instead, I want us to work in a way that facilitates sharing ‘power with’ & ‘power to’ this person, & ultimately, helping this person find their own ‘power within’. What this means, visually, is that we make every effort – literally or figuratively – to sit next to this person, rather than across from them. If we’re meeting with them in-person, we can actually sit next to them. If we’re meeting over Zoom or any other type of video conferencing platform, we get a bit creative. If our goals are to not give-off an adversarial impression from the get-go, to minimize the likelihood that this person will become defensive, & to instead, join with them in a more collaborative way, ask ourselves, “Is there some other way I could show this person, right from the out-set, that I am on their Team, & set this feedback conversation up for success, if sitting next to this person isn’t possible?” It may be as simple as, acknowledging & naming both, the distance as well as our intent, to them, up-front. This might sound something like, “Before we jump in, while I recognize there is obviously an entire screen – & perhaps even, time zones – existing between us right now, I want you to know that we are in this together. I’m going to be giving you some difficult feedback & I want us to work together to figure things out. If we were in the same room right now, I would be sitting next to you – rather than across from you – so, as we move into this conversation, please know that I am on your Team & that I very much want you to succeed.” Something like that. Or, if you’re more visually inclined, maybe sketching out the two of you sitting next to each other – rather than across from one another – on a shared digital whiteboard, before jumping in. Do whatever you can here, to set this feedback conversation up for success & to level the playing field. Essentially, this means adopting a mindset of partnership & shared power, rather than that of adversaries & hierarchical power.

Next guideline is, knowing we’ll put the problem in front of both of us, rather than between both of us, & certainly, rather than putting it solely on them. This is a very different way of approaching a feedback conversation, & is one in which, many of us are not accustomed to. It requires going into the conversation as if there's a problem to be solved & then figuring out solutions, together; as opposed to, viewing it – & subsequently, talking about it – as a problem they’ve created & dictating their need to figure out the solution. Essentially, this approach requires adopting a mindset of collaboration & shared accountability, rather than that of shame & individual blame.

Next guideline, knowing we’ll listen, ask questions, & accept that we may not fully understand the issue. Often when we're giving feedback we forget how important it is to facilitate a conversation – a dialogue – & to gather information from a place of genuine curiosity, rather than launching into a monologue, believing we already have all of the necessary information. The goal shouldn’t be to finish this feedback conversation as quickly as possible. Instead, the goal should be to approach this feedback conversation, with enough of our own grounded confidence in our readiness to be having this conversation in the first place; & to leave the conversation with an even greater understanding of the issue than when we started. From this desire to obtain information, fact-find, learn, & gain a better understanding of the issue, we need to do more listening & learning, & less talking & assuming. This part of a feedback conversation might sound something like, “Here's what I'm seeing from my vantage point . . . or, here's the story I'm making up about what I'm seeing & what this story means, in my head. I imagine there are also things that I may not be seeing, or that some of my assumptions might not be correct. Help me understand what's going on here, from your vantage point.” Then, it’s our job to listen, take notes, & learn. Dig-in a bit further & ask questions. Ask if they have any questions. Let them know you need some time to think through what was discussed, & ask if you can circle back in 24-36 hours. Specify that you’ll come to them if additional questions surface for you between now & then; & invite them to come to you if any questions arise for them between now and then, as well. Actually take the 24-36 hours to reflect on what was shared, & then, absolutely be ready to circle back with them, within 3 days time. Essentially, this approach requires adopting a growth-mindset rooted in genuine curiosity & an openness to learning, rather than a fixed-mindset rooted in being the expert & already knowing.

Next, knowing we’ll look for & acknowledge what they are doing well – in any given situation – instead of only focusing on their mistakes. The approach I’m referring to here is separate from purely positive feedback or praise. Here, I am suggesting that even in a moment when we need to say something hard, there's still an opportunity to point out someone's strengths. I’m not suggesting you provide them with a ‘compliment sandwich’ – where you start by saying something positive; followed by the actual, hard feedback; and end by again saying something positive – which I do not find to be particularly effective. Actually, not only is it ineffective; the actual metaphor doesn’t even make sense! For it to be a ‘compliment sandwich’, wouldn’t the compliment part be in the middle?! Anyway, that isn’t what I’m suggesting. What I am suggesting though, is that most situations are nuanced & very rarely, is there a situation where someone is doing every aspect of a project poorly. What’s far more likely is that there are some aspects of a project that this person is doing well. Leadership expert Dr. Ken Blanchard is credited with wisely noting how catching people doing things correctly is so much more powerful than only catching their mistakes. So, rather than taking those aspects for granted & assuming this person already knows what they’re doing well, we need to take the extra minute or two to say it, explicitly. This part of a feedback conversation might sound something like, “I know you've got this deliverable that is expected by End of Day (EOD) today. The executive summary looks stellar. The tables need some serious work though. What does support look like, so that you can assure this gets across the finish line?” I don’t even think that took an extra 30 seconds! Essentially, this approach requires adopting a mindset that is more holistic in nature, rather than one that is singularly focused on problems.

Next, knowing we’ll recognize their strengths & we’ll help them understand how to utilize these strengths to address their challenges. This strengths-based feedback style is so effective because when we make the connection for them, between something they’re already doing really well and something they’re not doing well, we foster motivation, momentum, confidence; & the “something they’re not doing well” inevitably, feels far less daunting for this person to address than if we don’t make the connection. This also lets the individual feel seen by us, which gives them – either initial or continued – permission to trust us. This part of a feedback conversation might sound something like, “I know that one of your incredible strengths is your attention to detail. You really do sweat the small stuff which makes such a big difference for our team. As I review the data sets you pulled, I’m not seeing that same attention to detail being applied here though, and we need it.” . . . And, if we ever find ourselves in such a state of anger, stress, or frustration, that we cannot come up with a single positive quality that this person possesses, then we are not in the right headspace to give effective feedback. We’ll first need to bring down the intensity of our emotion so that we’re feeling less emotionally reactive, before we can provide our feedback, effectively. This approach requires some self-management practices first – through things like mindfulness skills & distress tolerance skills – along with the ability to think systemically, make connections between another’s strengths & their challenges, followed by some emotion regulation skills & interpersonal effectiveness skills.

Next, knowing we’ll hold this person accountable, rather than shame or blame this person. Since learning to give effective feedback that is productive & respectful is unfortunately, a skill set that most of us were never taught, it can be really useful to think through the conversation we want to have with this person ahead of actually, having the conversation; & make note of where it could potentially get shaming or where we could potentially start blaming this person. When we acknowledge our potential of getting to that place ahead of the conversation, we reduce our likelihood of getting to that place during the conversation, when it really matters. Essentially, this approach requires acknowledging the potential to get pulled into our emotion-mind, so that we can instead, navigate the conversation from our wise-mind.

Next, knowing we’ll own our part in this, rather than believing we did all we could do. Bottom line, if we're not ready to own anything here, if we're convinced we did absolutely nothing to contribute to this issue, then we're simply not ready to meet with this person. When we are truly honest with ourselves as founders & leaders, whenever there is an interpersonal issue at hand, more often than not, we have at least contributed to the issue – either directly or indirectly – in one way or another. The examples of this are numerous. I’d be willing to bet that there isn’t a situation out there where the person delivering the feedback didn't own some part of it. This part of a feedback conversation might sound something like, “I know you’re delayed on this project & I want to make sure you’re okay. I see how hard you’re working & I realize that I hadn’t anticipated many of the issues that you’re encountering. It’s super-frustrating for me – I imagine super-frustrating for you, too – & I really appreciate you hanging in here. I’m confident you can solve this & then put it behind us.” Essentially, this approach requires the willingness to “get it right”, not to “be right”.

Next, knowing we’ll show appreciation for their efforts as opposed to only critiquing their errors. This part of a feedback conversation might sound something like, “That spreadsheet you created was so clear & well-formatted. Well done!” or, “I know your marketing counterparts are often coming from an emotion-minded place. I so appreciate you going the extra mile to maintain a productive relationship with them, by instead, taking a wise-minded approach.“ or, “I'd like to share some feedback with you about that phone call. I think you did an excellent job observing your limits around this project with our partners. I know how hard that was and I think the language you used was clear, it was respectful, and it honestly put us in a better position overall to execute on this project & maintain strong relationships with our partners. Really, really nice job” or, “I’m so impressed with how you handled yourself during the Board meeting. Your presentation was excellent; really well-structured & you de-escalated a tense moment that very easily could have derailed us.”

Next, knowing we’ll talk about how resolving these challenges will lead to growth & opportunity. This means knowing what's actually important to this person, & being prepared to discuss what needs to change within the context of productive feedback & career tracking. This part of a feedback conversation might sound something like, “What I'm asking you to work on here ties directly to what I know we've talked about as one of your personal growth areas or one of your personal challenges.” It really is so essential to make this connection between the behavior we're observing in this person and what we know to be important to this person, specifically.

Next, knowing we’ll model the vulnerability & openness that we expect to see from them. If we’re expecting this person to be receptive to what we are telling them then we need to show up open, genuinely curious, vulnerable, & full of questions. We absolutely have to model this behavior & we cannot hold ourselves to a different set of expectations & standards. If we approach this conversation from a place that's defensive or guarded, the feedback we're trying to give this person will not land at all, & instead, will prompt the other person to also respond from a place that’s defensive or guarded. This is particularly ineffective & is the opposite of what we're trying to cultivate here. Essentially, this approach requires adopting a mindset of vulnerability & openness, rather than one that is guarded & defensive.

And lastly, knowing we’ll be cognizant of the existing power dynamics at play – alongside them – as well as any of our own implicit biases; rather than at best, not identify, name, or bring attention to them; & at worst, allow our biases to reinforce harmful stereotypes. Prior to giving feedback, it’s helpful for us to thoroughly consider whether we’ve clearly defined expectations, whether we’re aware of our own biases, & whether we’ve reflected on how these biases might influence our responses. Essentially, this approach requires strengthening our self-awareness muscles along with an understanding that naming an experience doesn’t give the experience more power, it gives us the power of understanding & meaning.

As I hope you’ve come to appreciate, with each of these guidelines, so much of this is interconnected. I’ll be back to recap all of these connections, right after this …

Support for today’s show comes from our very own Strengths Squared, a therapy, coaching, and consulting practice, partnering with startup founders & startup teams. At Strengths Squared, our goal is not to have to treat burnout after the fact; and instead, to prevent burnout from happening in the first place. We do this by equipping startup founders and their teams with the necessary skills to build sustainable, mentally healthy work cultures of collective care, collective accountability, & intentional work-life integration. If you are a startup founder, a startup team member, or are someone who might be a future-startup founder, and are navigating a challenging topic that you would like addressed on our show, or you have a question you would like answered on our show, please send an email to: podcast@strengthssquared.com for a chance to have your topic addressed or to have your question answered, on a future episode. Again, that’s p-o-d-c-a-s-t-@-s-t-r-e-n-g-t-h-s-s-q-u-a-r-e-d-dot-com, and we’ll keep our eyes out for your topics & your questions.

Let’s go ahead and pull all these connections together. To recap, my guidelines for what needs to be in place prior to giving someone feedback, are knowing:

We’ll sit next to them, rather than across from them.

We’ll put the problem in front of both of us, rather than between both of us, & certainly, rather than putting it solely on them.

We’ll listen, ask questions, & accept that we may not fully understand the issue.

We’ll look for & acknowledge what they are doing well – in any given situation – instead of only focusing on their mistakes.

We’ll recognize their strengths & we’ll help them understand how to utilize these strengths to address their challenges.

Thank you so much for listening to Wired to Connect & I hope this was helpful. If you would like a chance to win our Free Startup Coaching Session, which retails for $500, keep your ears out in the very next section for-the-instructions.

That wraps up today’s episode. I hope you loved it! Don’t forget to hit “Subscribe” or “Follow” on your favorite podcast app, so you don’t miss an episode. And, we are currently giving away our Free Startup Coaching Session! If you want to win a free coaching session, just leave us a rating & write a review on Apple Podcasts or the podcast app of your choice; and you’ll be entered in our weekly, random, draw. This type of startup coaching session retails for $500, & can be yours for free; by rating and writing a review of our podcast. Then, listen in next week to see if you won. It’s that simple! Thanks so much in advance, for supporting us on Apple Podcasts or on the podcast app of your choice!

Before I go, I want to leave you with this: these guidelines for what needs to be in place prior to giving someone feedback are not at all meant to deter you from consistently giving feedback. They are, however, intended to offer you perspective & a shift in mindset, to ensure that your feedback conversation is set-up for success. Most startup team members, when asked, indicate they would like to receive more feedback, as opposed to less. This is especially true for team members in marginalized groups, who, far too often, are not given feedback with the same actionable specificity or with the same frequency, as their non-marginalized peers. Start with a bit of a self-assessment, by simply, checking-in with yourself & with your understanding around the guidelines that I shared & then, start practicing! And be sure to tune-in to our next Episode, Episode 3, where we’ll be talking all about how to actually give feedback, effectively.

Thank you to my incredibly talented cousin, Andrew Fisher, for writing & playing the original music for this show. And, from the bottom of my heart, thank you to my amazing wife, partner, & Co-Founder, Marisa, for your belief in me, & in this show; for everything you do for our family & for Strengths Squared, for everything you are doing behind the scenes for Wired to Connect, & without whom, none of this would be possible! Lastly, & perhaps most importantly, thank you so much, to all of you who are listening, for supporting us by choosing to spend your time with us, for connecting with us, & for keeping an open mind & an open heart. I’ll look forward to connecting with you in next week’s episode. And until then, take good care, & remember, we are all Wired to Connect!